Chapter 3
From that day onward, I hadn’t seen Crown Prince Qi Sheng again. I heard that after leaving Xing Sheng Palace, he had gone straight towards Jiangbei’s central army camp.

Well this way was also good. I also honestly haven’t prepared well on how to confront this boss, so much so that even thinking not meeting for a lifetime this way was good. I really want to tell this brother just one thing: For the time being you can feel at ease and go; I will take great care of these palace beauties in your place.

Mentioning the beauties, again I immediately felt a sense of sadness. These soft beauties, delicate as flowers and refined like jade, yet I can only look on impatiently and cannot even grope them – oh, my pitiful heart!

The smell of an aromatic incense floated in the air, and I lay down on the sofa with a calm expression, though my heart painfully ached.

The palace maid, Lu Li, came inside quietly and softly while carrying a bowl of medicine.

Kneeling beside me, she muttered: “Your Highness, it’s time to take your medicine.”

I looked down to take a look at the black medicine, suddenly feeling a headache coming on. I don’t actually dislike taking medicine, but thinking that by drinking it, my bust would become bigger, waist smaller, and voice softer, I felt fear.

Thus, I looked to Lu Li sincerely, attempting to negotiate: “Could I not drink it?”

Lu Li thought that I disliked the bitter taste, so she presented to me a plate of jam: “I have this apple jam with honey ready. Your Highness can eat this and you won’t be able to taste the bitterness anymore.”

My dear Lu Li, this apple jam has no effect. Rather, if you could let me give you a kiss, then it would be even more effective than a tray of apple jam.

But it was just something that I could say in my head. I would not have said that out loud, even if I had two livers.

Ai!

In the end, Lu Li was still able to force me to drink that medicine. I then sat back on my chair with a calm expression.

Actually, I was making plans for my career as a “Crown Princess”. If I could be promoted steadily in one go from Crown Princess to Empress Dowager, it would be best to become a young widow.

I could learn from the previous role models like Empress Lu Zhi or Empress Wu Ze Tian and rule the court from behind the blinds, control the army, and get to sleep on the thighs of beautiful women.

(T/N: Lu Zhi was wife of Han’s first emperor, Gaozu and Wu Ze Tian was a concubine of Emperor Taizong of Tang dynasty.)

Ya, what a tempting prospect!

I submerged myself in deep thought for the next few days, yet was still unable to come to a solution.

Looking at all these beauties walking around, I finally couldn’t stand it anymore. So one day, after I had finished having a meal, I told Lu Li: “Today, I want to secretly leave the Palace for a bit.”

Lu Li was truly a trusted confidant of Zhang-shi. Just by me saying that, she brought out two different pieces of clothing. At that moment, I realized that she was even better than I was at currying for favors.

But Lu Li, why the heck did you bring out two different outfits? I don’t remember ever saying that I would let you go with me?

There were many things that I was unable to say out loud, so I helplessly let Lu Li help me change my clothes before looking at myself again in front of the mirror. Looking at those lively and flirtatious eyes, and that covered bosom that seemed to say “the more you hide, the more you show”, I sighed: Lu Li ah, Lu Li. Is it you women that are all foolish, or is it us men that are all blind?

Ai, it’s better to not say anything. Let’s leave the Palace first.

After we had exited from the Palace doors, Lu Li called for a sedan chair and helped me up.

I hurriedly asked: “Where are we going?”

With a surprised expression, she replied: “Aren’t we going back to the family’s residence?”

Return home? To leave the Eastern Palace only in order to return to the Minister of Defense’s residence? Why would I do that?

“Nah, I don’t want to. I want to go somewhere else.”

Afraid that she was going to ask more questions, I quickly walked away with large and comfortable strides. Lu Li tried to catch up to me from behind, but stopped halfway in order to catch her breath, calling loudly: “Master, please walk slower!”

Slower? Pfft, if I walk slower, then wouldn’t you be able to catch up?

I began to walk even faster, turning my head to laugh at Lu Li: “You don’t need to follow me. Just go back, I’ll come home when it’s time.”

After I finished speaking, my steps quickened and I turned at a corner, effectively leaving Lu Li behind. Lu Li ah, Lu Li. It wasn’t that I don’t understand what it means to have protective feelings towards the opposite sex, it’s just that the place I’m about to go, I really can’t bring you there ah!

I had to ask for directions three or four times along the way. Finally, I was able to find a place where I could drink wine with female entertainers, but I ended up pacing in front of the entrance four or five times. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself and would instead get sexually harassed.

Ai, this hateful Heavenly Lord Siming a!

The Madam selling candies on the street nearby saw that I had been wandering in front of the building for a while now, and in the end couldn’t bear it and went to ask: “Little Missy, did you come here to seize your house’s husband?”

(T/N: yep, she is disguising herself as a man, but I guess that disguise sux)

I was caught off guard and unable to react right away, but the old lady had already continued to lament: “Ai, men are always so fickle, having such a pretty wife, yet still seeking outside pleasures. Men ehh, Men!”

Even though she hadn’t finished speaking yet, I had already been shamed until I had gone red in the face, and I hurriedly walked away with a gloomy face. However, once again I wasn’t resigned to give up, thus I went to find another lavish restaurant to go into. I faced the waiter who came to welcome me in and explained: “I want to invite people to eat, go arrange a good place, and then find me two female entertainers to come.”

The waiter immediately replied: “Yes, right away! Please, come in. Inside there’s a water pavilion overlooking the lake; the scenery is beautiful, and the ambiance is graceful. I will call over the female entertainer for you in a moment.”

I was still a bit anxious, so before going inside I hurriedly called the waiter back, sneakily looking around before telling him: “Eh…… I want those with a vivacious temper, with a bit of audaciousness.” I reached out my hand to pat him on the shoulder, laughing with a he he and whispered: “Eh…… you understand, right?”

This waiter was accomplished at his job, and with just this one phrase, he understood, smiling at me, winked, and answered: “Please be reassured, which one, this little one knows!”

My heart immediately felt lighter. After all, it was nice talking to someone who’s smart. I really wanted to ask if he had any desire to switch careers. You might as well come with me back to the Eastern Palace to become an inner servant. Eastern Palace is exactly lacking in these types of talented people, ah!

After waiting at the water pavilion for a bit, the food had yet to completely come out, but the entertainers had finally arrived. Singing a ballad like this, drinking wine like this, the unhappiness he experienced these days had scattered like the wind, dispersing cleanly. How should I say it? These female entertainers can’t be compared to those inner Eastern Palace beauties, however in bearing they win ah, even if I feel their small hands they aren’t anxious, even drinking some wine they aren’t angry, and just by being in this place for a little while I’ve already become a drunkard.

My heart pondered over it, thinking that this much should already be enough, and the sky was already dark. The time was no longer early, continuing anymore also had no meaning, and it would only lead to more trouble. Might as well tip the female entertainers and pay the bill. While feeling giddy from the wine, I hummed the ballad from earlier as I departed.

Just when I had barely left the water pavilion, I felt the sudden need to answer the calls of nature. As a result, I went to ask where the latrines were at and quickly went over to their location.

Because this restaurant’s quality wasn’t low, their latrines were fairly clean. Maybe because it was to prevent guests from falling into the latrine pit, the inside surprisingly had lit oil lamps. Although the light wasn’t too bright, however, it’s also better than nothing. I can’t help but sigh: Sure enough, they really put their customers first.

Inside there was a brother who was still standing and relieving himself. I didn’t pay too much attention to him, only walking over to say: “Brother, excuse me.”

Who would have thought that that person wouldn’t move, only turning his head to look at me.

I shot a quick glance at him. Looking at him, he actually looked somewhat familiar, don’t know where I might’ve seen him before. Ai, forget about it, even if I recognized him, it was a matter from a lifetime ago, I’m not thinking about it anymore!

He was still blankly gazing at me, and I once again bowed my head to look over at him, peeking at his thing. It didn’t seem to be bigger than mine by that much, so why are you acting so much better than me? I’ve never been much of a person who bothers to argue much with others. Since he’s not willing to move away, I just stood to the side and ignored his glare while trying to reach out for the thing in my robe. However, no matter how I tried, I couldn’t find that thing. Suddenly, my mind totally froze in shock as I let out a cold sweat.

I immediately sobered up…

My gaze swept over from the corner of my eyes, and I saw that that person still had his head turned toward me, attentively staring in my direction.

A few countermeasures instantly flashed through my head:

The calm and collected emperor: Pull out a small table and spread out some toilet paper, turn around and crouch down, and pretend to take a dump. I don’t believe that he would still be able to lie on the floor to see if I have or don’t have a JJ. (E/N: JJ -> 鸡鸡 slang/childish manner of saying p*nis)
The cold and detached emperor: Tie up my trouser belt and turn around and walk away. Whether I can or can’t dig out my thing, what business is it to you?
The crazy emperor: Sympathetically look at him and ask: Still haven’t finished? Is this that illness where you want to pee but it doesn’t come clean and every hour you feel like peeing yet nothing comes out? Have you ever tried to take an X-ray of your prostate gland?
The Bathroom Lord looked at me, I looked at the wall……

At this difficult to speak moment, someone suddenly shouted from outside the latrine: “Ninth Brother, did you fall in? Why haven’t you come out yet?”

A few moments later, the Bathroom Lord softly replied: “E, I’ll be there in a moment.”

After speaking, he no longer looked at me, calmly and collectedly putting the bird away into its cage, turning around to leave.

I let out a deep breath, not even having enough time to properly tie my belt, first freeing my hand to wipe away my sweat. Ai, it turns out that the Bathroom Lord is the true calm and collected emperor.

Outside, the two men’s voices slowly faded as they walked further away: “Ninth Brother, hurry up, everyone’s waiting. They say that today they found someone talented to come and sing Eighteen Touches, let’s also go listen a bit.”

The Bathroom Lord smiled: “E, alright, let’s go listen a bit.”

Eighteen Touches? Isn’t that just the ballad that I had been humming earlier? I suddenly felt disdain in my heart, those two were truly youngsters who had yet to see the world, listening to Eighteen Touches and happily becoming like this.

That shock took his intoxication and urge to piss right out of him. Tightening my belt and cleaning up my sleeves, I began humming again as I strutted out.

(T/N: I have no frigging idea what song he singing, more like a bunch of sentences about touching women)

“Stretching out my hand na~ yi~ ya~

Touching the lady~ ya~ yi~ ya~

Touching a~ the side of her head o~ na~ ai~ yo~

A~ her head has the fragrance of osmanthus flowers

……”

In my heart I was puzzled, I had only heard of being so frightened that you sober up, but I’ve never heard that even the urge to pee could disappear. Really strange ah!

When I had returned to the Palace entrance, Lu Li was anxiously walking in circles there. Seeing me return, she hurriedly came over to welcome me, lowering her voice: “Your Highness a, why did you only return now, a! The Palace doors are closing in just a moment!”

I laughed: “Aren’t we still able to go in, what’re you in a rush for?”

Lu Li was helpless, bringing out a cloak to put on my back. I suddenly felt the need to pee again, and clenched my legs together, hurriedly telling her: “Quick, quick, quick, let’s hurry and return to the Palace!”

Lu Li was quite puzzled, looking blankly at me.

Ai, Lu Li ah, Lu Li, in what way do you want me to tell you? Peeing is different from being tipsy, you can’t hold it in a!

On the 8th of the 12th lunar month, Crown Prince Qi Shen returned from Jiangbei’s main military camp to the flourishing capital city.

(T/N: it is a tradition to eat porridge on this date, a festive date)

The boiling Laba congee was both fresh and sticky, carrying the bowl and stealthily escaped, taking in a breath and was HAPPY. Lu Li hastily came in from outside, not saying anything further as she, with lightning fast hand movements, seized my bowl of congee. Afterward, with a wave of her slender lily white hands, in came a group of palace maids who approached me, and just like that, had me surrounded.

Damn, did they find out that I had peeped on them in the bath?