Chapter 40: The Feeling of Being Stricken with Grief
Translator: Ruriko & Claire.KK
With the stubbornness on his beautiful face, Zui Shen was very firm as if he was demonstrating he would never fall behind, “If it were me with him at that time, I could have stood it too.”

Zhishu He’s fingers were shaking. Maybe. But who would know the result? Zhishu He only knew that at that time Wenxu Jiang didn’t have many entertainments or so many friends who would like to help Jiang at the loss of their own lives or a lover who really loved him and was willing to bear hardships together with this person.

So Zhishu He smiled with some cold sharpness in his voice, “Do you like him? Why?”

“I love him very much,” Zui Shen said determinedly. “There is no reason needed to love someone. Certainly, he is a perfect man in my mind.”

It was good to be young. When you said something childish but you didn’t realize it, people only thought you were such a simple and pure person.

Zhishu He felt a little colder than before. As he touched his forehead, it seemed that he had a worse fever, making him even hard to talk. “A man like him… good-looking, knows how to take care of you gently and speak many sweet words. No wonder you like him.”

Zhishu He began to feel that the chill on his body was seeping into his heart, as if a slit was made on the barrier that had been blocking wind and rain for him, with cold wind storming in fiercely now. “Right… If Wenxu Jiang likes a person, he is reluctant to let this person feel wronged. He will draw for you, pick flowers for you, and fight for you. And even in bed, he will not want to see you cry.” Gradually, Zhishu He himself did not even know what he was talking about. He felt so dizzy that he couldn’t even discriminate his mood in a trance.

It was not clear whether he was sad or unreconciled, or he just wanted to indulge in his own fantasy by deluding himself.

The door of the guest room was not tightly closed. Now it was opened a crack by the cats who were already quite dissatisfied due to hunger. They might have scratched at the door for a long time.

When Zui Shen saw these cats coming through the crack, he suddenly turned as pale as Zhishu He.

Zhishu He came to his mind and asked after a short pause, “Are you afraid of cats?”

“Does…doesn’t he hate animals the most?”

Zhishu He softly pushed away these cats that were rubbing against the bottom of his trousers, and uttered in a light tone, “He is a man who can be persuaded by soft approaches but not be cowed by force. So you just need to coax him tenderly. He will give in after being unhappy for a few days, without other choices.”

The tone of Zhishu He was so gentle that he did not seem to realize that he was teaching another person how to win affection and care from the man he liked.

But Zui Shen appeared to be more disappointed. In fact, when Zhishu He began to talk about how good Jiang would be to the person he really liked, Zui Shen knew that no matter how self-deceiving he was, he couldn’t change the fact that Wenxu Jiang really didn’t love him.

Zui Shen thought that it was natural for a man to be fickle and indifferent, that Wenxu Jiang just didn’t know how to love others and that all the hurtful words Jiang had said were unintentional.

But he was wrong. Wenxu Jiang would not accompany him to do anything couples did. Jiang had never coaxed Shen with sweet words, let alone drew pictures and picked flowers for him. He was also wondering whether Wenxu Jiang was really reluctant to make the man he loved cry in bed. All Shen knew was that he was often hurt when he had sex with Wenxu Jiang at first, and that man was fierce in bed showing no tenderness. At that time, Shen often cried. When he was in severe pain, he would cry and beg Jiang, which Wenxu Jiang never cared about. He only hated Zui Shen’s crying. Sometimes he only threw a sentence disgustedly, “I’ll find anyone else if you really can’t stand it.”

When his dog was forced to be discarded, Zui Shen begged Wenxu Jiang for a whole week. Certainly, he had tried to persuade him in a coquettish manner. And he was even willing to play SM so as to keep his dog although Wenxu Jiang wasn’t skillful at it. As a result, Zui Shen almost died, and the dog was given away.

Standing up from the sofa, Zui Shen thought to himself, ‘Why have you done this? Do you come here to humiliate yourself? Now that Wenxu Jiang keeps a man as fragile as the china at home and is reluctant to beat or hurt him in sex, surely he isn’t worth my love.’

But Zui Shen could not reconcile himself to the fact somehow. Why couldn’t he be comparable with this man in front of him? Was it just because this man had suffered a lot with Wenxu Jiang? It was not that he couldn’t do it, but he hadn’t been born earlier to have the chance.

Zui Shen began to laugh. His smile was as beautiful and clean as a garden of jasmine, “Did you quarrel last night?”

“Eh, every time he gets angry, he will go to my place. He always has this childish temperament,” Zui Shen complained helplessly, “I always advise him not to be angry. But he said he could not let go of the old lover. We are all men, so I absolutely understand that he has just treated you as his family.”

Zui Shen slowly put on his coat and smiled, “But Wenxu Jiang is really determined to make a break with the past. He simply threw the ring which had been worn for ten years. Although it is not valuable, at least it is the gift from someone who loves him so much, right? I’m kind of softhearted to keep it for you. Well, how about bringing it to you next time?”

Zhishu He felt so much pain in his heart that he couldn’t say a word. His hands were cold, with his fingers, lips, and even his whole body trembling. Zhishu He, who tried hard to bear the pain, pointed to the door and said with his teeth gnashed, “Get out!”

Zui Shen raised his eyebrows and directly left without tangling with Zhishu He.

At the moment the door was closed, Zhishu He fell on his knees with a bang. He pressed the back of his hands against his lips, but a large amount of blood was seeping through his fingers.

‘Finally, I know the feeling of being stricken with grief now.

I’d die soon and end all of this.’